My Opinion on Vampires

This is nothing but a (hopefully) humorous opinion on fiction and vampires.

 

This is a vampire:

 

So is this:

 

I'm willing to call this a vampire:

This one is a little iffy:



 

This is my favorite vampire:

 

This is not a vampire:

The directly above is a human with sparkly skin and superpowers. He is not a vampire because he possesses little to no interest in the death and destruction of humanity and could not be a successful horror antagonist in the least. The others above, particularly Kurt Barlow (my favorite vampire, the bluish one), could/are terrifying antagonists. They don't sparkle. If Barlow sparkled, I would punch Stephen King in the face.